Spice - Jensen Ackles x Reader - Part 5

Spice - Jensen Ackles x Reader (High School AU) - Part 5

“He’s a lot older to be considered a boyfriend per say” he finally whispered to your ear and you felt your eyes widen.
Oh no.

You felt your heart stop in your chest and as if the entire world stopped spinning. He should not know- Jensen could not know about you and Castiel and yet... he did?

How?

Was the only question that kept being repeated in your head. You'd always been so cautious and careful, not wanting anybody to know and Jensen more than anybody else. So how come he had found out?

No, he surely must have been joking. Trying to find a way to push your buttons so that you would react. Maybe even try to get a reaction from you so that he would come to realize the truth. Yeah, it was probably that. Not showing how this affected you was probably the best solution.

“I don't know what you're talking about Jensen”

He chuckled slightly, though you took notice of it being humorless and forced “You said that before but come on, let's be honest now (Y/n). You know very well what I'm talking about” his voice was low and rough with a small hint of anger in it.

You swallowed the lump in your throat “No, Jensen. I don't. So shut up now, we're watching a movie” you whisper-hissed at him, trying your best not to let anything show.

You glanced even for a second at Jared and saw him looking at you with a deep frown, as if sensing that something was wrong, so you just offered him a small reassuring smile. Not that he seemed to believe it anyway.

Jensen let a small chuckle, leaning in again close to you so that you could only hear “Now you and I both know you're trying to not let anything show but- you're not doing an all that good job at that (Y/n/n)” you could hear the smirk in his voice, and you felt the blood boil up inside you. Although it was not for exactly that.

“Don't call me that” you all-but-growled at him, turning your head to look at him in the eyes with the coldest look you could ever muster.

His 'cool' and 'teasing' attitude immediately fell off, even for a second, along with his smile as he clearly regretted using that nickname on you again... after all that time. He swallowed, looking almost apologetically at you but did not say anything more and you simply turned your head to look at the TV, your arms crossed over your chest. A frown was set on your face, just like for most of the rest of the night.

And it actually matched your mood. For the entire night. Even at Brendon's or mostly Chris' and Robert's attempts to make you smile you just were not willing to. Movie after movie you were unable to concentrate and think of anything else but... that.

The use of that nickname by Jensen brought back so many memories that made you want to cry and scream. You thought you had buried all that in the past, but no of course you hadn't. As long as you got to see him you knew that you were never going to probably get the chance to forget everything. Never, you were never going to forget what had happened all that time ago. The betrayal of all that still burned fresh and like a deep wound in both your flesh and soul it was not bound to heal any time soon. Maybe never, who knew? Certainly not with Jensen reminding you about it with his mere presence. And better not get started with his words. Every time he spoke to you, saying something in particular or flirting, images of all that time ago flashed back and you always had a hard time keeping yourself from reacting. It was hard enough as it was, trying to keep your sanity in all this, not to mention hiding how you truly felt.

The remainings of what he had done were still there and not matter how hard you tried you knew you were never going to be like you were before... that.

Maybe, just maybe that was one of the reasons why you and Castiel were together. His ability to understand you like nobody else and offer you that much needed comfort and reassurance maybe was what kept you close to him for all this time. Sure, you were never going to deny that you did feel things for him- there was no way you were going to go to these extends, being in a relationship with your teacher, just because he was like some angel, being able to heal your emotional wounds in ways you could never describe. No, you had feelings for Castiel that much you knew.

But, not being able to take all the memories and feelings you still had with and about Jensen was a whole other issue.

You had to admit, though, for a moment that you were actually thankful to the guys for trying and doing their best to make you smile even in the least bit. At some points they managed that – no need to say how, cause if anybody saw them they'd think they had all lost their minds but you actually knew them pretty well to know that that was not the truth. They were all just amazing friends and you could never be more grateful about them. Even about all those innuendos and smirks and remarks that would make any other girl blush but not you. Although not to you, to anybody else it would seem like they were flirting with you- Richard certainly seemed to think that as he straight forward glared at them, snapping occasionally as well. And he was not the only one.

Whenever either Chris' hand would move a little too much, surpassing the friendship borders for sure, or Brendon got a little too close for your comfort it seemed as if Jensen would burn a hole through their heads, he was practically glaring daggers at them most of the time. Whenever Robert or the other Chris would make some dirty comment about you, only to make you laugh, Jensen seemed to beat Richard at snapping at them for it. The way his eyes were narrowed at them, his lips pursed and his jaw clenched. His comments and remarks at them, the way he almost growled every word or even hissed it, made you think that even for a second that was what had led to his previous reaction. That probably he was jealous and had resorted to speaking that way. Jealousy, after all, sometimes made people react in ways they would not in other situations. You wanted to not think about it, not let your hopes up but you couldn't at the same time. Because, the way he had looked at you when you told him to not use that nickname ever again made it pretty obvious that he regretted speaking the way he did in the first place. That he did not mean it that way. And it almost reminded you of the Jensen you knew before.... that.

You swallowed thickly as the memories flashed back and you literally fought with tears. You could never, really, be more grateful to the guys for managing to even take your mind off that.

However, it did not seem to be enough for Jensen. His attitude had gone from being sorry and obviously feeling guilty for something – you both knew all too well what it was – to straight forward angry. Snapping at anybody that would talk to him- or basically the guys that would flirt with you, getting in the middle and quiet obviously trying to hold himself from doing something much worse than snapping at them or saying something sassy to make them shut up. You had occasionally noticed how he was bouncing his knee up all the time while you talked with Robert and Chris and certainly how his eyes were dangerously narrowed at them and... you as well. Only when you locked eyes for a second you could see the facade of tough fall off but that was only for a second before Robert came a little too close and his eyes would be angrily glaring at you as well. Though a little differently than the guys that he obviously seemed ready to rip their heads off.

At this point, anymore, and after so many movies (as expected with the guys) they had all fallen asleep. Well, almost all.

You walked down the stairs to take a glass of water (you were unable to sleep with thoughts of those moments rushing through your mind) after having decided to not be with them during the last two movies- it was hard to put up with Jensen's looks anymore - only to find them all sprawled over the couches and floor and asleep. Well, almost all.

You heard a noise behind you but decided to ignore it, and just proceeded to drink your water.

“Can't sleep either?” Jensen asked you.

You only looked at him, a little bit glaring, from the corner of your eye but did not respond. You set the glass back down on the counter but did not even so react or acknowledge his presence.

You turned, ready to walk away from him only to find it impossible as he blocked your way. You looked up at him with the hardest look you could muster “What?” you hissed- or well, basically willed yourself to hiss at him. There was a small hint in his eyes that, even as he had his jaw clenched and tried to look strong, you could see. You could see that small flash of emotion through his eyes that reminded you so much of the Jensen you used to know. The one you used to know and love before.... all that.

“We need to talk” he spoke firmly, still trying to keep a slight edge in his voice though.

“Why? So that you can harass me now? Blackmail me?” you raised an eyebrow, almost regretting the tone you used at seeing how his face fell for a second.

“You know I never would” he seemed angry at hearing you could believe something like that for him “I just want to talk”

“You didn't make it that obvious. Though I doubt there's any choice left for me huh?” you crossed your arms over your chest, leaning against the counter as Jensen took a few steps back.

You had on a stoic face but still felt as if he could see right through you. And you lies. The feelings you were trying to hide and above all the things you ere trying to hide, but obviously failing at, because-

“What? Thinking your boyfriend is going to get jealous?” he raised an eyebrow at you.

You tried not to let any of the emotions show “I thought this was you trying to have a civilized conversation and not having that attitude all the time.”

“Sorry, it is kinda hard to help it. I can't, really.” he shrugged his shoulders at you... almost a little drained of energy.

“I pretty much noticed” you said back just as sarcastically.

“Not my fault they can't keep their hands to themselves” he said with a small growl in his voice “But you are not denying it, now, are you?” he smirked slightly at you.

“What do you want Jensen?” your voice had an edge in it.

“For you to answer my question”

“And then what? What will you do if I answer? What will you do if I fucking accept it? What if I say that yes I am in a relationship with my teacher? What will you do? Blackmail me? Threaten to tell everybody if I- if I don't give in to you? Huh? What?!” you tried to keep your voice as low as possible so that nobody would hear you and wake up but just in the right tone to show him that this was not something you were joking about.

“You really think I'd go to that extent? That I'd do that much... to you? So little do you think of me?” it was hard not to notice the hurt in his voice, just as it was hard to keep your touch facade up.

“I think so little of you because I don't know you anymore Jensen.” you spoke, looking him dead serious in the eyes. It was the first time after so long that you were being honest with him. The first time after... that.

You took a step closer to him “You... are no longer the person I used to know and that is just why I treat you as that. You are no longer my friend whom I trusted with my life, all my secrets and worries. You no longer are the person that I-” you kept yourself from completing the sentence, instead swallowed and looked him seriously “You are not that person anymore, Jensen. I may act as if everything is ok between us, even if you've cut all ties, but you and I both know the truth. Nothing is ok Jensen. Nothing will ever be and you know it... Not after what you did... to me. Not after what you did that time. I may act as if I've forgotten but-” you swallowed trying to keep in your tears “-I haven't. And I never will. Know that no matter how much time passes I will never forget. And I will never forgive you for that. It would be different if it was somebody else but no- not you Jensen. Not the only person I could trust with my own life. Not you that I thought would never... do something like that to me.” you tried to not let any emotion show but it was hard near impossible.

It was too hard when you thought about... that.

“I will never forget. Just like I will never forgive you. For, you now are a stranger to me Jensen. You are and will never be the person I used to know. And as that I will never be the person you used to know.” you swallowed the lump in your throat “So, yes, if you want a clear answer- yes, I am seeing him- I am in a relationship with Castiel. And you are free to go and do whatever the hell you want to. Either say it or post it online so that everybody knows. That way you can make me pay for it. I will not give in to whatever you want me to do.”

You were about to move away from him, mostly not wanting his to see the tears that had welled up in your eyes and for you to not see the hurt written all over his face. The emotion that reminded you so much of the Jensen you knew before... that. But you of course had to will yourself to forget. To forget him- who he was before all that happened and who he could probably still be. Because, if you did not will yourself to forget who he used to be, who he had become you knew that you'd give in... again.

His hand taking hold of your arm stopped you though, and you abruptly turned your head to look at him with a hard look. Not saying a word anyway.

“Do you love him?” his voice seemed strained as he clearly tried to keep himself from letting all of his emotions show. He had his jaw almost clenched and his lips pursed, but his eyes gave away everything he felt.

You looked back and forth between his eyes, trying to decipher his feelings but not really being able to.

“I wouldn't be with him if I didn't” you said with a stoic face.

“Unlike you-” you snatched your arm from his grasp sharply “-I give myself to the ones that I only love. But love must be a word long-ago erased from your vocabulary, huh?” you smiled sarcastically at him.

He didn't say anything more, obviously your first words still echoing through his mind. It was obvious how he was still trying to process it, his jaw clenched but he was obviously not angry. No, certainly not angry. That was no way anger. That was-

Pain? Regret? Maybe both.

With a final cold look, you brushed past him and walked away. Jensen stayed put in his place, his eyes were cast on the ground and even if you felt the smallest hint of regret as you looked back at him, having stopped midway on the stairs, you shook your head and just continued your way upstairs.

Almost running to your room so that you wouldn't even be in his presence anymore- scared that he was probably going to hear the sob or basically sobs that one after the other left your throat. You entire body started to shake as the tears that you had been struggling to keep in started to now stream down your cheeks. You buried your face in your pillow, biting your trembling lip furiously as you were unable to keep yourself from letting the tears and sobs out.

The memories of that time were impossible to keep back and just like your tears they came in waves, making your heart tighten unbearably in your chest as you remembered... that.